Alone in this Temporary Act of Humanity

I am almost fully vaxxed. I had one shot. I dedicated my experience to the greater good of humanity and to all my dear friends who have worked in a healing capacity — nurses, OTs, PTs, doctors.

I dedicated my jab to the hope that soon enough I could gather with family around the holiday table, and with friends who’d frequent my home for love and tender fun.

Hope was in the air, but “freedom” didn’t come quickly for me.

I had a bad reaction immediately after the injection.

(I shouldn’t have to explain this next part, but I feel compelled to defend my bodily reaction).

I was faint and tasted metal, and was observed by nurses for 45 minutes. My body shook and I was scared shitless. They asked if I needed to go to the hospital, but I said no. Seemed scarier in a hospital. This experience was juxtaposed with the thoughts that I was happy to be one of the people in the world who did their part to help make this thing end. The second vax was scheduled for Sept. 9.

Days following the injection, I started noticing something unusual and new to me. I was faint at random moments. I could have been cooking or lying in bed. I felt dizzy and off-balance. I’d often find myself without control leaning back, needing to catch myself before falling.

As a yoga practitioner and observer of psycho-somatic response, I knew that something was off in my body.

It got worse.

Weeks later, anytime I touched something cold, my hands would burn and turn red — imagine holding a flaming hot cloth for 10 minutes — that’s how it felt. A friend said it was cold urticaria — something I've never experienced in my lifetime. Getting a doctor has been hard and each time I’ve requested to see an expert, I express that I am not an anti-vaxxer and recognize their moral decision to meet with me. I know they may feel I am putting them at risk and have each time offered to do a COVID test.

I started this process 3 months ago.

By the end of summer, during my last dip in the lake, my body blasted into hives and pain, followed by shortness of breath. I knew something wasn’t right and still need to know why it’s happening, as any person would.

I am not blaming the vaccine, but I need these scary symptoms to have a connection to something — and getting urticaria randomly isn’t good enough. I still feel shortness of breath with cold contact, and worse, since winter started, it’s even harder to breathe.

This is my story, and it’s not normal to me.

I have made the hard choice to hold off on the second jab and because of that decision, I practice every safety protocol to keep myself, and everyone I love, safe.

Sad part? Close friends have stopped reaching out and family has left me out of celebrations, despite having the option to have a quick turnaround test. Yes, it’s annoying to stick a giant q-tip up your nose, but the payoff is that we can be together — and that’s the best part. Sadly, I feel that others are punishing me for the hard decisions I’ve had to make.

So, to those who are navigating and treading the same uncomfortable waters, I see you and I honor your choice. Don’t be afraid to temporarily request friends/family to do a PCR test before hanging out (and you do the same).

That is a temporary act of humanity and that is a practice that shows love and care until you get the go-ahead to get the second jab or an exemption.

Feel free to reach out if you’re in the same boat and you need a friend.

With love,

E